|Easter from 6 years ago! Oh my goodness, look how long Gracies hair was how how little the three littles are! And Aidan's face, so Aidan! I love this so much!|
But that is not why I am writing this today. Today I wanted to steal away for a few moments. Moments to share what has been on my heart in the midst of all of these trials. You see, I am keenly aware that over a year ago our child's doctor told us that she had one year to live. I am also aware that she is not a text book case of any one medical condition. In fact she has three main diagnoses that make her anything but predictable. Even still I know something that some people do not. I know that God is our creator and that only He knows the number of breaths each of us, including my oldest daughter, will take. I know that He is the Master Physician and that HE has divine authority and ability to use all things for the GOOD OF THOSE WHO LOVE HIM! We have free will. We are not robots nor slaves. We are adopted children of the King of Kings and we are open for His intervention that could come or not come, at any moment.
We have SO MUCH to REJOICE about (hear the JOY in that word?) Today of all days, on Easter Sunday we are reminded that HE HAS RISEN and that because HE paid the price of our sins, we no longer judged by our works to gain entry into HIS EVERLASTING KINGDOM. We are BOUGHT AT A PRICE. We have been given a membership pass to STREETS OF GOLD!! We have A ROOM IN HIS HOUSE prepared for us BY JESUS!!! He has OVERCOME DEATH and owns it!
And here is my HOPE and MY FAITH....What I KNOW to be true and what I pray over my friends who no longer have their *child* in their arms because their child has gone on to be with our Creator. Because of God sacrificing His One and ONLY BEGOTTEN SON, they/we will be in heaven with our children in our arms again! And oh what a reunion that will be!! If only you BELIEVE and ask Jesus to be your Lord of Lords, YOUR Savior, to take up residence in your heart and to guide you through this life! A simple question, a life changing decision that will call you to Higher Ground. Although His YOKE is easy and His burden light, that does not mean that there will not be temptation and things to trip you up causing you to stubble and fall away. That doesn't mean that you will be perfect or sinless. That doesn't mean that you will not make horrible decisions at times. You may even break the law or fail to show love (the first and MOST IMPORTANT COMMANDMENT). The important thing is that you keep picking yourself back up by His outstretched hand. That you continue to redirect your life and continue to ask that He will help you and guide you. Just like taking your thoughts and emotions under your self-control to find the JOY, you must use your self-control to follow Him and HIS WORD!
Being keenly aware that in each moment it is vital to grab ahold of my emotions and my thoughts so that I can choose Joy and choose freedom from the weight of the world. I want these moments to count. I want my days and hours with my children to be permanently etched into my brain. I want to know that I have done my best and made the best of it. I want to know that I fought for them and rejoiced with them. I want to make a difference and I want to live in the hear and now. I want them to know that I am present, in this time, in the now, with them, experiencing life together! This does not mean that I am perfect or even good at doing this. It is work. It is a constant redirection and reminder. Some days it is easy and some days it is very very hard. Today, after a long night of seizures, followed by my own anxiety attacks from lack of sleep and being a caregiver that witnesses so many seizures in my own precious child each day.....the struggle is very very real.
Yet today of all days I should be rejoicing more. I should be able to be in control more. Referring to self-control. Yet I am weary and when I am tired everything is harder! I have heard that so many times in my life but never fully grasped it until the very beginning of this year. You see I had a sleep study done because my husband told me that I was snoring and some of the other medical things that I was experiencing can sometimes be manifestations of sleep apnea and misdiagnosed as something more serious. In my sleep study we found out that I was never making it past the second stage in sleep and that I was waking up due to lack of breathing 59.6 times an hour. You read that correctly, I was waking up just about every single minute. The doctor explained it to me as being tortured for years by my own body. You may think that is extreme, if so feel free to read this article from Psychology today. I am not sharing this as a "poor me." I am sharing it because it was shocking to find out and AMAZING to learn. The very first night of sleeping with a CPaP machine changed my life. I am not joking or being dramatic. I only was able to sleep for 3 hours and still had many "episodes" of not breathing. However, I woke up and felt like I had the best night of sleep since became a mom almost 13 (oh my gosh that is a whole other blog-YIKES) year ago! If you are struggling with sleep, please do not be hard on yourself. Please try to rest even if it is not in the typical schedule or pattern that is recommended to keep. Some sleep is so much better than no sleep.
*Up until this point I have been talking about parents that have lost their children. This is something that I see around me regularly. It is something that nobody wants to see and something that nobody wants to experience. This is not to say that what I am writing is not applicable to my sweet friends who have lost their twins, their siblings, their moms, their dads, their husbands, their friends, the family or other loved ones. I still find myself mourning the loss of Breya's twin (lost in the second trimester). Identical to Breya, one of the cutest most determined kids ever. Grief is Grief is Grief. It is not something to judge. It is relative to the person and the life in which is mourning. Mourning and grief are not negative. Grief is not something to be fixed. Grief is something that one must endure to transform the pain. From grief one goes from visualizing what was lost and never experienced (the sad) to visualizing what they have experienced during the life and from the pain (the blessing/joy). Less than a year ago my Grandmother, my second parent, my love went to be in Heaven. How I miss her. How I wish that I had more time with her. Yet the times that I had with her, the things that I learned from her are so much more valuable now. I appreciate them so much more. From Christ's death we mourn the suffering that WE put Him through and we have Visual Proof of what our poor decisions do to others. We learn to visualize the consequences of our actions. We better appreciate the weight that was spared from us so that we may live free from any sort of pain for eternity. Without His pain the multitudes would not have been able to walk through the Gates of Pearl.
|The kids and I with my Grandmother "Nanny" Virginia less than a year before she passed.|
Without the loss of many of the lives that I have seen end in this world, handfuls to thousands of people would not have learned, loved, or been saved by organ donation, organizations that were started to provide life saving medicine or medical devices for people who could not otherwise get them. Support groups for parents in the thick of caring for a medically fragile child would not have begun. Awareness and education would not have happened. Research on safe sleeping positions for infants would not have saved the lives of other babies who might otherwise be lost to things like SIDS. From death comes new life. Christ modeled this and His creation copies this in various ways.
**A different sort of child loss...I have lost children in utero, as I mentioned above in regards to Breya's twin, at varying times of their development. It is not something that I like to talk about or think about. But if you have lost a child just as soon as you found you were pregnant or you have delivered a stillborn baby. I firmly believe that in your womb as God was forming your child, He already knew your child and how long your child would live. Life begins at conception and just because the child was not ready to take a breath on their own that does not make them less of a child. That does not mean that God started a "project" but "didn't finish." God created a baby and just like any of His children He gave it to you for a time and called the child back to Him in its own proper timing. Mourning for the loss of this child will still occur as you did not loose a "lump of cells" you lost a child that you will meet in heaven!