A few days ago I was lifting a very groggy post-many-seizures Gracie from her wheel chair into our van. I had her in a cradle hold and as soon as I had her above waist level with myself in a full stand she began to seize again. Her back arched, her head flew back, her arms locked up, her legs stiffened and shook and I held on to her for dear life. You see you cannot force a seizing person into a certain position. I couldn't make her sit in the car and even though I can lift her 78lbs in a normal circumstance, or when she is sleeping and just limp. But during a seizure, when your brain is misfiring and the electronic impulses are forcing your body to tense and jerk and tense again. All the force and power of your body is at it's full potential. You are not conscious and so your body is stronger than you ever new possible. So I prayed and prayed hard that I would not drop my precious girl and you know, I felt His arms helping me to hold her up. It might sound silly to some but it is true. This is not the first "car" seizure she has had, nor is it the first time she has seized when transporting her from her chair to the car. At one point the base security guard had stopped to help hold her and that was years ago.
The thing that stinks and the thing that is awesome is that Avagrace can have such incredibly good days. She can run, skip, ride her adaptive tricycle, scooter, etc. But sometimes, just hours/minutes/the next day, she is completely different and cannot walk without assistance, cannot complete her sentences, and cannot do many things the same way.
So, in holding her during the seizure I tore my trapezius muscle and am now healing. Up until this point I thought that it would be awful for me to have a handicap tag or a wheelchair accessible van. The docs told us that because her condition is degenerative and progressive that we would eventually need one. But honestly, it is overwhelming to think that I could continue on without it. I know that God has us in his ams and that everything will happen in His time. However, sometimes, like today….it is easy to feel overwhelmed by circumstances, laws about medicine, insurance red tape, and the financial stresses of being the blessed parents of a special needs child and the like.
However, I will never stop loving EVERY SINGLE MOMENT, no matter how difficult it is, that I have to love and hold my little girl!