Monday, June 8, 2009

Such a strange place...

Have you ever been in a place in life where you just didn't know what it was you wanted? Or maybe you knew what you wanted but you wanted two things, and those two things contradicted each other? Perhaps you knew what you always wanted and then you found something new to want and then you questioned what you originally wanted, but you do not NOT want what you always wanted, you just don't want it all alone anymore but with the new thing too...
If that wasn't confusing for you than you know exactly where I am right now. I have the job of my dreams and the family of my dreams and I know that I can't have it all. I also have new dreams that require my time and investment to make them a beautiful reality. On top of that I have my commitment to my amazing husband, my hero, my love. I signed up to be an Air Force wife and I am so glad to be it. He is deploying soon for four to six months. I must prepare for this again. I must prepare my Aidan and my girls for this again, Liam is so little that preparation isn't really necessary. I know how hard this will be for all of us. It is like birthing your second baby. You know what is coming, so you can either freak out or brace yourself and breathe through it.
I want to invest myself into my kids. I want to make my, writing and creating, dreams a reality. I want to make a beautiful home that serves as a ministry center and I want to grow my family strong and in Christ's will. I want to homeschool to reach my children where they are and to empower them to love to learn and to explore, with me, the vast sea of knowledge available to us. I want to be the one to stay with Avagrace through each and every seizure, test, and postictal state. I want to be the one to rehabilitate my daughter and son. I want to be the one to teach Aidan to be strong and to trust in God so that he may "be not anxious!" I want to be the one that cares for each boo boo and cheers for each tippy-toed twirl! I want to be physically strong and fit again. I want to cook a beautiful meal each day, that makes my kids and my husband happy and proud. I want to feed them food that is infused with love based on the foundational nutrition that God has so richly blessed us with. I want to create and teach my children to love what they do with their hands, hearts and minds. I want to bless my husband in all that I do. I want to bless him with love, balance, truth, and goodness. I wish to honor my parents. I wish to make my life amazing and valuable, and to make a difference.
Most of all I want the peace that surpasses all understanding, I want to follow God's will and to make Him proud.
I use to think I had it all figured out. While I must help bring money in somehow, I am not sure how that is. Perhaps it is through scholarships to go back to school for art therapy. maybe it is through babysitting, maybe it is through substituting, maybe it is through a combination of things. Maybe it is through the continuation of my position in ministry at the chapel that I currently hold. One thing is for sure. God knows exactly what it is.
It is a strange thing to have everything you always wanted and yet you find out that there is so much that you didnt realize you wanted all while trying to figure out what it is that you really want and how all of this pieces together.