Today is a somber day that many do not even know about. It is a day of remembrance of those must unknown. It is marked for all those who have experienced the uncertainty and pain of loosing a baby that you have only been able to carry/hear/see/know of for such a short amount of time. Some of you may have seen the second line on a pregnancy test and within hours you started bleeding. Others may have been able to hold, nurse, care for a babe for several months before it was their time to go home to the Lord. I have experienced miscarriage three times and it is never easier. Some people minimize the feelings of a miscarriage by saying "at least you have all those healthy ones" They are very right. Some do not get to be so blessed when they struggle with miscarriage. However, the loss of a child is always sad, difficult, and never easy. Today is one day, one day to remember. It is a great thought and I know that this one day is not the only day in which you keep the thought of your child on your mind. Recently my kids and I were at the table for lunch and Aidan asked what Gracie's twin's name was. From that we ended up discussing the names of all three siblings that they have in heaven waiting for them.
Jonah was Avagrace's twin. I did not know that I was carrying twins. One day I thought I was miscarrying. I went to the ER where they too thought that I was loosing the baby. I took a pregnancy test and my HCG levels were still very high. So I was sent to Ultra Sound where we saw the little babe without a beating heart, still and tiny. Upon further look we found Gracie. Hiding behind her 'brother' (I am not sure what the sex was but I my heart says boy and they were not identical twins) so because of where I was in my personal life I decided that Jonah was the perfect name for 'him'. I will never forget the bitter sweet feeling that day. Such sorrow that I was blessed to carry twins and then in fact lost one. Gracie was such a surprise, such a blessing, such a balm for the sadness. I can't imagine if I would have twins at that point in my life. I know I would have done what was needed but I know that God always has a bigger and better plan.
Shortly after we were married my mom took me, the kids, my sis and brother on our final 'family vacation with just her kids'. It was planned before our wedding and it was too late to add Bren on. It worked out well. I just found out I was prego just before the vacation and unfortunately lost the baby as soon as I got back. It was a devastating time for me. I was so excited and so incredibly excited to have a third baby so soon after we got married. Being the only baby in this miscarriage and the fact that we were married and both very excited about the baby, this miscarriage was so hard. We ended up naming her Leighanni Mildred. Leighanni was after my sister and my middle names put together. Mildred after both of Bren's grandma's. I would have loved to have met this little bundle! Fortunately we did not struggle with miscarriages for a while after this one. I got prego with Violet immediately and she was such a trooper.
Breya was our "welcome back from 7 months of military training" baby. She too was a twin and man was I excited that I actually had a second chance of having a long time dream of twins! Breya's twin was identical so she was definitely a she. Her name is Jane (Janie) Virginia. I love this name. I can't imagine having a twin of Breya, she is our tiny little sass. So full of vim and vigor. She is so teeny and so cute. I often wonder if they would have had the same dimples or if they were mirrored. I wonder if they would have been even earlier since there were two and with just one Breya was 6 weeks early.
I think about these babies often. Sometimes I feel like I am leaving someone behind and have to do a head count. This was a feeling that Bren and I got when we were newly pregnant, before we even knew that we were. Now, I know why I feel that way and each time I say a quick prayer for my little babes.
I have several friends that have lost their babies to SIDS, miscarriages, etc. I ask all of you to leave a note if you have lost a little one. I am going to be spending time in prayer for them and you! I think this year I will get ornaments for our tree for these little ones. After all, they are my children, my babies siblings, and worthy of remembrance no matter how short their life was. Life begins at conception!