There is something I have been hiding from my whole life. It has always been in the essence of who I am and yet it is something that I do alone, almost in secret. I do not often share it with others and I rarely talked about it until a few years ago. Even then it was only an add on to casual conversation, a glimpse, an aside. Never my purpose, goal, or desire. It would happen here and there and I would be so pleased. I remember Mrs. Robertson and my sculpture. I remember the smell of her room and feeling of Christmas morning as I saw all of the masterpieces on her pail teal drying racks. The room was a mess and yet it was so beautiful and so organized. So warm and inviting! I remember the 'super color-ers' and the kids that made projects and wrote stories that caused classmates jaws to drop. I ALWAYS wanted to be one of them and was always scared. Too scared to try, failure was just too real. And so I did the minimum, afraid to be drawn in because when I was it was only met by criticism or a brush off. There were the occasional few things that I was responsible for that brought the ooo's and aaaa's that I always hoped for. Then there were the miraculous times when I didn't care what response was earned, I dove right in and had the internal pleasure of a standing ovation all of my own. In case you haven't caught on yet I am, in fact a "closet creative" Afraid of what the world would say. This blog has been one of my first attempts at finally trying to make my ultimate dreams a reality. The second attempt is why I am rambling on this post about the inner workings of who "I" am!
You see, I have five kids! I bet you didn't know that hahaha! I need to be able to have a career that is portable, flexible, and totally mind blowingly and awesomely me! I am going back for my masters and have two programs nailed down. Both are online and both from fabulous schools. One is a Masters in Education concentrating in Children's literature. The second is a Masters in Education concentrating in Fine Arts. So here is where it gets tricky. I LOVE children's books. I love books. I am quite obsessed in fact. I read constantly! I want little more than to be a published author and I have a thousand stories swimming in my head just waiting to catch the bait! I would love to teach college students the amazingness that is a picture book! I would love to be a professor! I would love that I could write while teaching and have time with amazing young adults learning from them and sharing with them my passion for great Children's literature! I love Academia and I love books! I would be a lifelong student if I could but school tuition is outrageous!
The Children's Literature Masters is awesome, but so very specific. What if I can't find work and I have this monstorous school debt! Not to mention that the part of me that wants to do more than just write, that inside painter/photographer/fabric artist. That person- would LOVE to teach students art, to be able to help through art therapy, to be able to spend my days up to my elbows in color. My other career goal is to own a studio of art that is open to the public of all ages! Like a Jump Zone but for artists.
So what do I do? Do I go for the Literature and keep art as my hobby? Do I dive into the art, stretch myself and possibly fail? I could easily do art while writing and teaching but could I easily do writing while teaching and making art? Just writing this all out makes me lean towards one over the other but then I change my mind and think otherwise. What to do what to do? I would LOVE and appreciate any insight/encouragement/warning etc...I love both schools. They are comparable in cost and time spent obtaining the degree. They have very different entrance requirements and one may be easier to get into over the other because of my undergrad background. However, the one that I am more prepared for does require the GRE which I am so not ready for since I have been out of college for almost four years now!
I start some online writing courses to prime my brain in the next few weeks. I also start a GRE study group. I am so serious about this and am so ready and soooooooooooooo excited. I just don't know which fork in the road to take!
All this being said it is a miracle that I have come this far. I have been wondering what to do for FOUR years. When I married Bren I turned down a full scholarship to get my Masters/PHD in Sociology so that we could focus on his career and so that I could stay home and be a mommy. I don't regret it one bit. But since that day I have never known what exactly I wanted to do. I knew that being a social psychologist researching my way through cultures would not mesh with my new family dynamics, but I had no clue about what else to do. I love ministry and wanted to work in ministry but did not feel like God was calling me to seminary. I have thought many things, but nothing was me. My sister was right, the age of 26 (last year) was an amazing 'ah-ha' year. I realized who I was when I was little, how I let life change me, and how I needed to merge those two worlds to be the authentic me! It was amazing, GOD is amazing! Now I have two programs that I would love to learn through, and yet, I cannot choose which one is really perfect.
I think my biggest fear of the Literature one is that I will not have a successful or high paying job that is portable. Then again. How is Art portable? With all the cuts in education art is a rarity! In fact, it wasn't even taught at Tinker Elementary! Literature is becoming the foundation of our education, but I am not wanting to work with young ones, I want to teach at the college level and become a published author.
So what do you think I should do? ADVISE ME! :)
DISCLAIMER: I invented three new words to add to the "Ginnish" dictionary in this post. Can you find them?