Thursday, August 20, 2009

Can I complain???

Ok so to start this I truly hate to be a whiner. I have always struggled with holding my tongue and I do know that it is not a good thing to be a complainer. However, I also know that sometimes one must vent the frustrations of life otherwise they will self destruct, or boil over! So that being sad I am going to dance around my frustrations so that I might be honest and successfully welcome you into my world so that you might truly understand a military wife's life, with five little children. After all, that is my goal in blogging (not to mention I just love writing!)

So this morning, after next to zero sleep, I "wake" up and look at my two sleeping daughters as Breya fusses and whines some more thus waking Avagrace. Gracie joyfully hops out of bed to go and join Aidan and Violet, my very early risers. My poor Breya had been up all night long, only dozing for a few minutes at a time. She was rolling back and forth, lifting her legs and swinging from left to right. She would moan and cry and I thought she had ingested some kind of poison from the way she was acting. She had a fever and this very unusual. She also was very clingy and this is most unusual for Breya. She is very independent and has never been an affectionate one unless it is on her own terms at her own time. So as I was reaching for my cell phone to call her doctor it began to ring. Mind you, it is very out of the ordinary that my cell phone shall ring before 9 am and even then it is rare. Thankfully it was my husband. I was wanting to tell him that Breya was having a hard time and that I would be taking her to the doctor.

The next thing that happened is truly magical and the best part of the day. My husband's voice was so lively. He was on fire with excitement. I knew instantly what it was but he tried to 'string me along'. "So V, I am looking at a list right now, it is a list of many names that the Air Force posted. And my name happens to be on it." He cheered. "You made it, Mr. SSGT Spencer!!!!" I knew he would, he was very worried, but I even got him a congratulatory present ahead of time because I knew he would make it. He is a very smart man and he loves being an Airmen. On his ASVAB, the military entrance exam, he got only one question wrong and he knew immediately what question it was that was wrong. Most people score between a 50 and 75 % on the ASVAB.

When I got done on the phone I called the doctor but unfortunately they could not get us in. I must say this was very rare for our doctors office, however, the doctor is amazing and so it is not surprising, just disappointing. Due to her symptoms they suggested I take her to the ER, which I of course was going to do without an appt. anyway. So I call Cassie, our wonderful babysitter, and ask her to come to sit with the other kids. Thank God she was available. So I get breakfast going and start to dress Breya. As I ask her to put her arm in she shrieks. Oh my, I have been here before. Last year on Mother's day Violet, who was just a month older than Breya is now, broke her arm, and it displayed the same way. Much shock filled me because I was so sad. I was not with her yesterday afternoon or evening, and nobody told me that she was hurt. Of course, I do realize that children hurt themselves all the time and nobody, including my perfect (jk) self. But this is part of that "work or not to work dilemma" that I do struggle with.

Anywho, I call the Dr. back and tell them my new found symptom to Breya's health. They tell me to still take her to the ER. At this point I was very upset. I wanted them to order an Xray outpatient at the hospital. But they wanted me to take her to the ER. So here is my plight. I mean, who enjoys the ER? Nobody really, unless you are an ER doctor who chose to be there. On top of that, I am taking a tiny little girl who is not even two years old, in for a a possible broken bone. So not only am I going to subject my poor daughter to a doctor who has no connection with her, and likely no heart in their medicine (sorry for the gross stereotype, but there is usually truth to stereotypes and from my experience with ER doctors, this is the truth to me. Now I also have to go and say, she is broken, not sick. This brings in a whole other slue of stuff.

When I worked at head start, I worked with Children and Youth daily. I also have been trained in behavioral sciences, that is my degree background. I know how they are trained to think and I know the protocol for a little one who has broken bones and has to go to the ER for it instead of a primary care doctor. To ice the cake, I was not with Breya yesterday afternoon or evening. I had no idea if or when she fell. So I tried to call Bren to get the DL on last night. He was on the flightline. At first I said to the kid who answered to phone, ok well please tell him I am taking our daughter to the ER and I need to talk with him. His shop is INFAMOUS for not delivering messages so with that and the fear of what was in front of me I started to worry. I called back and said that I didn't want to cause issues but needed someone to radio to Bren and ask him if Breya had fallen last night. I talked to the female Srgt in charge. I explained I was heading to the ER and I was at work last night and hadn't talked with Bren and needed to know if she fell so I could tell the Dr. "Is that all you need," she says in a very RUDE very 'oh my God you can't possibly be acting this way over a silly bump' kind of way. She says, I will do what I can but he is on the flight line. "Ok can you just radio to him and ask him if she fell, I don't want to pull him off, I just need to know so that I can be prepared." We end the conversation and I head to the ER with Breya. She cried every time I touched her. Even if it was on her side, under her ribs, not touching her arms. I was beginning to worry about her ribs too. When we get to the ER we check in and wait. An hour and a few minutes later my husband finally calls.

He says that yes, last night she favored her arm at bed and was very clingy. Now she is not a cuddler but she is a daddy's girl and clinging to him is not unusual. He did not think it anything other than her being tired. So he carried on and didn't take note. The other thing is, and I do truly say this with the utmost respect and love for my husband....he is not the most observant of anything home-like. He is a wonderful father and the fun in the family, but I am the nurse. So it never raised any of his flags. It takes quite a bit of drama to raise his flags which is great because mine never go down, lol.

Just then, we get called back to fast track ER. I asked him to stay available for a while so that when the Docs asked questions I could allow him to talk to them. Well of course 15 minutes later, when the questions began he was no longer available. So they look her over and question me numerous times about how it happened etc. Turns out that she has a throat infection so they give her antibiotics. Then we go on to X-ray. When we get there (you know two hours after our arrival lol) a kid no more than 20 comes over and gets right in Breya's face saying Hi cutie can you give me a high-5 as he reaches for her hurt arm. IDIOT! she is so shy, and her arm is very sensitive. "Oh I am sorry he says" So he sets up the machine for a standing chest X-ray. "I don't think that she will do this." I say, "oh she will be fine....as soon as they stand we switch to standing, no problem" "Fine, my other kids would have no problem and I have five, but not Breya and not today" He ignored me and I proceeded to help him out with her. I stood her in front of the thing. She was doing so well. Then the not-so-bright kid came over and said, "hey cutie, let me have that blanket" "oh no I said before he got to her, I will take it when you are ready" She was holding her beloved red blanket, 'her favorite color'. He didn't listen and kept coming. "Can I have this? he said reaching for it and touching it" "NO she screamed running behind me to hide from him" So at that point he ruined it I could not pry her from my arms. Another, much older tech came in, she was obviously a mom. She said to the kid, go behind so you can shoot when needed. She is scared of you. As soon as he was gone she and I laid Breya down and held her down to get through the shoot. She tried to cooperate but she was in so much pain and was so scared!

We went back to our room to await the x-ray results. Breya laid on my chest the entire time begging to go home, asking for her siblings and Ms. Cassie, and especially asking for Violet. It was so dear to me. It broke my heart. She absolutely loves her siblings. They all love each other. They hate to be separated. If they are with just one it is fine, but alone...oh my. They love date days but even then they ask about their siblings. It blesses my soul, it is my second largest most regular prayer, that they always remain close to each other.

Ok so the Doc comes in and says the X-ray is fine but she has a dislocated radius. She tries to get it back in several times but cannot. She goes to the Er to look to see if she can round up a Resident Orthopedic Doc. Sometimes they stop in she says. Well as usual God's hand had the mighty blessing pour down on us as a very cocky, very good, intern came in. He looked me square in the eye and said to hold her as tightly as I could and be prepared he was going to jostle her. He gripped her little arm, felt it a bit, and then jerked it around a bit. On the third try he knocked it back into place. She shrieked but then settled to sobbing quickly. He said to me again in his very cocky and confident way, in exactly 15 minutes she will sit up and say you "i am all better." So I watched my cell phone clock, intrigued by a competitive game that got my mind off of anxiety. 15 minutes later, to the minute, she sat up and said "i fixed". I cheered and when the Doc came back in I said, well she didn't say she was all better, and I chuckled! We got her prescriptions and headed home. They said she would be sore for a few days but would definitely using it and back to normal soon. They were right. She did wonderfully.

The day was full, exciting, stressful, but overall I just can't get over the lack of support at my husbands shop. All I needed was a radio to call out and ask him a simple question and for him to be available for a few minutes. Thankfully God protected us and we did not have crappy people who assume the worst. I was just so reminded today about the plight of a military spouse. We are "single moms, with baby's daddy's who are here and gone and here and gone but are hard workers that provide a great paycheck and health care and all things to take care of us....just not the commitment of time and emotional support." I use to resent this statement. I use to hate anytime I heard someone say this. It was offensive to me as if someone were insulting my life and my husband. But it is truth. I should not have called his shop. I should not have been afraid of what to say. Simply saying, "I don't know because I was not with her." This should have been enough. Knowing this will help his career and help me to. I will not be counting on something that is not mine. he will be mine upon retirement. But until then I must be strong and independent. This is in direct contrast to what a marriage is outlined to be, with us being one and all. However, if you look at it in the way that being one does not mean always being together in person or on items, well you can definitely succeed. You see success is goal, and the game has completely different setup when one is married to a warrior!

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