Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Baltimore #BlackLivesMatter #LawEnforcementMatters

Here are my posts from Facebook from yesterday.  I am emotionally done and cannot re-write the whole story but I want people to read and hear and understand from DIFFERENT VIEWS!

FB: April 27 9:46  This is a city that my sister, brother-in-law, and my sweet nieces and nephew work in and live just outside of. I have other family and friends who call Maryland and Baltimore their home. It was my home many years ago. And tonight it looks like a war zone. I do not keep up with the news very often. However, because of the police brutality here in Oklahoma, in Missouri, in Georgia, Ohio, Florida, Texas, and many other states I have had to have some hard conversations with my 12 year old son. Because you see, kids in middle school talk. If one sees a police brutality story on the news they will all know it by the next day. I cannot shield him forever. But it is a horrible thing to have to explain. But I tried, largely because one of the police brutalities included an officer killing a 12 year old boy who had a fake gun/toy gun in the waist of his pants. He was at the park alone and spinning he gun around and pointing it at things and supposedly people (but it is noted on all surveillance camera's that he was the only one at the park). Within 2 seconds of arriving on the scene the police officer fired and killed the 12 year old boy. This crime is still under investigation, much like the killing of Freddy Gray which sparked the riots and mass hysteria in Baltimore today. Unlike the police forces in Missouri and Oklahoma there is a more diverse police force in Baltimore. And unlike the Missouri riots the Baltimore police are not firing back with bullets, tasers, tear gas, and they are not arresting people for simply filming the "news" ... at least not yet. While police officers must be held accountable, so must civilians. While I will need to teach my son lessons that I myself will not have to learn, we cannot expect to move forward with rage. We must remember that God instructed us to Trust In Him and To Love Above Everything Else. So that was the focus of my talk with my 12 year old son and it is my prayer for Baltimore and police forces across the nation.  ‪#‎RacismISReal‬ ‪#‎StopTheHate‬‪#‎DoNotPROFILE‬  ‪#‎WeedOutTheBadCops‬‪#‎CallForChange‬ ‪#‎TheSystemIsFailing‬‪#‎UseYourMindsAndYourHeartsToFixThisNotYourFists‬

FB April 27 9:53pm Sadly, this is not the scene tonight. But that is largely due to the fact that the family asked respectfully that no protests happen on the day of his funeral. The compassionate protestors that are peaceable have honored that while tonight it is just mass chaos.

FB April 27 10:10pm  This is the last thing I will say about this. While I do not condone rioting. I will say that when people are oppressed and hunted or taunted by police officers for years on end. When they have to hold their breathe when a police car goes down their street. Just because of the color of their skin and the number of people sitting in front of their house. There is eventually going to be a boiling point. This is not the first black man in the nation this year to be killed by the hands of overzealous, God-playing cops. For a group of people to feel so oppressed, that there was no better way to be heard, this will at times cause riots. As one of my friends pointed out, white people have rioted and destroyed neighborhoods over sports. Violence is never the way and that is exactly the point. A black male can be arrested on suspicion and held until proven innocent. A white male can continue living life until there are enough facts to bring him in under some sort of charge. If you feel powerless to change you will go in one of three directions. The ways that Ghandi and Rev. Marin Luther King did, peaceably. Or you may just stir the kettle like Rosa Parks did. Or finally, you may find yourself in a position of mass chaos and riots. But just to hit home my point of people rioting for way less important reasons than ‪#‎BlackLivesMatter‬ let me show you this link with some examples. Again, I do not believe that rioting is the way to go and I think that it is in fact a step in the WRONG DIRECTION, but let us balance out the human experience when it comes to rioting. Just as we must balance out the human experience when it comes to law enforcement and criminalization. "Inner-City Thugs" are not the only people who choose to join in a riot.…/…/white-people-rioting-for-no-reason.html

 My Facebook
Ok I know I said last post but seriously, I have not heard such a loving mothering voice come from this tragedy that can so eloquently put the need for people to rise above the temptations of mass anarchy and violence.
I know we are angry, I know we want to be heard. We want answers, we want justice but most of all we want the corrupt systems of authority in our neighborhoods that continually steal the lives of people of color and the underprivileged to be revealed and rectified. But we must do our part. Today, I see that violence begets violence making it difficult to differentiate the victims from the perpetrators. Violence creates a window to vilify the victims, even in the deepest recesses of the most condolent mind. Nonviolence creates a clear view to who the offenders of justice really are. Don't give the very system that has been using violence to terrorize and exterminate us any justification to use that very violence upon us to keep us in order. This is a time of self-discipline so that the true offenders of justice can be revealed.
Stand down so that justice and the preservation of our communities are the priority and have the opportunity to prevail.

Sunday, April 26, 2015

Greys Anatomy (If you haven't watched the last episode and do not know yet-how do you not know?)Spoiler ALERT!

Ok, this is not a normal post on my blog.  Then again, this blog has been going through quite a transformation, or has it always been a transformer?  Particularly because I write about what is hitting  me right in the face and how can that be anything but sporadic when that is exactly what life, or at least my life is, sporadic.  But that is not what I am writing about today.  I am writing about Greys Anatomy.  Yup, the TV show.  I do not often watch "TV" instead I subscribe to Netflix.  In fact, we have not had any TV channels for a little over 7 years!  Actually, I don't know if that deserves an exclamation point or not, because it seems that there are many people who do not spend $100 or more per month to sit in front of a TV every day at a certain time to watch specific shows.  Or maybe we are still a rare family?  I don't know how to do that precise with a schedule surrounding a form of entertainment.  Seizures sort of set my schedule.  Kids definitely set my schedule.  I don't want to be stressed out and angry if my kids aren't in bed on time which causes me to miss an episode.  Or stressed out and angry because I got distracted and therefore missed an episode.  Not that everyone who watches TV gets so in to it like I might.  But alas, I am off topic again, in the first paragraph!!!

Ok, so we do have cable right now.  After the fire, the deaths, the surgeries, the accident, the everything we decided to get cable so that the kids could watch some of their favorite shows and movies.  We had not replaced many DVD's when we moved from the hotel to here.  The kids have extremely tiny bedrooms we literally cannot fit more than one bed table, two twin beds and squeeze one upright dresser in each room.  And toys are also something that was not a priority immediately following the fire, nor are they now, but birthdays and Christmas have happened, so they have toys that don't fit in their teeny tiny microscopic rooms.  On Sunday nights Avagrace (if she is up and able), Aidan, and I love to watch Once Upon A Time.  It is something I started watching on my kindle a few years ago and then was thrilled when it hit Netflix because I could share it with my two oldest who love fairy tales, especially when they are different viewpoints or an atypical re-telling.  Then a few weeks ago we happily started watching Dancing with the Stars, with me happily critiquing for all to hear how immodest the outfits were.  (What?  You don't do that too?  Weird!-jk)  I like to teach my children about what they will see in the world, when it is appropriate for each child, while also explaining why I feel the way that I do.  That way, they will have an adequate understanding for them to make their own decisions when they are at that point in their life.  Anyway, back to Dancing with the Stars....we do love to Dance, and the show is very entertaining, and it is a lot of fun voting together.  Not to mention Rumer and Willow are the two youngest and they are killing it!   

So that brings me to Greys.  The past week, or maybe it has been two weeks, we have seen the commercials (well to be honest I watch the commercials and the kids go out of the room during them) building up to a "shocker," a "you won't believe what happens," a "nothing will ever be the same again."  And I folded.  I have watched Greys Anatomy up until season 8 on Netflix.  I couldn't remember why I stopped watching it and figured it was likely due to being busy and having other shows that I enjoyed more, or that Brendan and I both enjoyed, or that were not so demanding of my time.  So I put "THE SHOW THAT WOULD CHANGE EVERYTHING" (aka the last and latest episode of Greys Anatomy) into my icalendar on my iphone, that way I would get a text reminder because lets face it, when the day is done i.e. dinner is served, I do not look at said calendar anymore.  

So this week Brendan left for a short-term deployment (I have a whole post dedicated to my love of hate for well, our current deployment).  So he is gone and I am home and my calendar reminds me to watch Greys.  Everyone was in bed and so I started watching.  I thought, what a great show.  Hmmm, some of the characters aren't in the show tonight.  To be fair I had not realized that I stopped watching it 3.5 seasons ago, I thought I was maybe 1.5 seasons behind, not 3.5!  I am watching as the scene unfolds and Derrick saves all of those lives.  And then it happens.  His car pulls out and I am thinking "Where did he pull out from, he had parked it in the middle of the road!"  and then his phone rings, "NO YOU IDIOT!!"  "You just saved lives you know cell phones are the last thing you hear before crunching of metal and breaking of glass."  And then it happens, and he is walking us through it all, unable to talk but able to think-so we hear his thoughts.  "Oh God I hope that Gracie isn't ever awake during anything that she goes through.  I hope she is blissfully unaware."  But I know that is not true. She is able to remember and explain what certain seizures are like after the fact.  She knows she can do nothing but wait it out and it terrifies her.  She is locked inside the seizure watching me tell her it is ok and to just breathe or me singing her song that I "wrote" for her.  And then, a major topic that should be covered more but is so sad to watch because it is reality.  Dr. Derrick Shepherd dies because he was sent to the wrong hospital that accepted him anyway.  And by wrong I mean, the hospital that was not up to the task.  The hospital that was filled with doctors that do not know their stuff.  And he died because of their lack of knowledge and inability to treat him properly!!!  

As a parent of a child with a rare disorder I find this too often.  I had a doctor watch as my daughters heart stopped because he did not recognize her status seizure was a seizure at all, even though I tried to get him to read a pamphlet that her doctor told me to take to the ER every time.  He didn't accept that it was a seizure until his nurse had to punch her in the chest to get her heart beating again.  Only then would he read the information that I had tried to get him to read when we had arrived SEVERAL HOURS prior.  It was information from the National Institute of Health describing her seizure type and why you should not hesitate to stop said seizure.  The irony is that the medics on the ambulance who took us to the ER had known about the seizure because they had witnessed our daughter have it before when her previous doctor still worked at the hospital that they took us too.  That hospital is supposed to be the best hospital in our state and it was not good enough.  Thank GOD that I still have my daughter.  

So Grey's Anatomy was definitely a heart breaker.  I cried.  I watched as a man who just saved lives (YES I KNOW THIS IS FICTION HANG ON I AM GETTING TO THAT :-) ) died at the hands of uneducated medical "professionals."  I decided that I would get back on Netflix and figure out where I left off and see if I wanted to get "caught up" with this series.  So I watched a few episodes.  And during every single episode I would cry.  I don't remember doing this before.  And then it hit me.  "You idiot,"  This is too real now.  This fiction is too close to your reality.  You daughter has had over 12 surgeries in her 10 years, and that is just one of your children's "surgery lists".  That doesn't even count all of the other procedures that she alone has had.  Let alone the surgeries and procedures that your other kids have had (be them typical or not).  Or the many other times she has been sedated for one reason or another.  That is just surgeries.  The emotions on this show are so close to real that it feels real, it doesn't feel like fiction and it certainly doesn't look like fiction.  That is one of the reasons that this show is so long lasting, and has such a following.  The actors both on-going and the many filtered in and out "patients " that may only get one episode or maybe one every so many seasons, they are really good at what they do.  The irony is that those actors portray the drama that parents like me keep held in and bottled up during our times in the hospital.  You do not see that much drama in the hospital- even though the drama in the real hospital is so much worse than that, because it is real.  Everyone is expected to remember their "P's and Q's" so that we do not impose emotions on others, or cause mass hysteria.  In fact, an emotional parent is the first parent that doctors will ignore.  They will therefore determined a child's case with absolutely no background or understanding of what is really happening with the child.   They will pass it off as if the parent is "over reacting" or "emotional" or a "helicopter parent."  Unless they are a good doctor but those are so hard to come by, especially when you are talking rare disorders.  You see, it is very rare to find a doctor who wants a parent to know more about a medical condition than they do...unless they are a good doctor and want to learn or a good doctor that wants his patients primary care giver to know, to really KNOW what is going on and how the parent can help!

I am sure that I will watch more "Grey's" episodes, but not in continuum.  It is too depressing.  I would like to get caught up and see why all of the men and apparently Christina too, have been killed off the show???  I mean seriously, is this just the Meredith Grey show?  (JOKE, of course it is, it is called Grey's Anatomy), but why?  Why do they all have to die?  It was bead enough when George died!  I also read that Christina didn't die but chose to leave?  But right now, I don't know if that is better.  All I know is that I am proud of the writer/creator, Shonda Rhimes, for calling to light a dark truth that many will never learn from that last episode with Derrick Shepherd, that medical facilities are not all created equal and that your life can be in the hands of untrained, uncaring, uneducated "professionals," so be sure that you trust your doctors and have done your research!  

One thing is right, the show will never be the same, and not because I am fan-girling Patrick Dempsey, but because you can only take away so many core actors and replace them before the show just fizzles out.  But that is all dependent upon the writers and creator, and the creator of this show has never ceased to be intelligent, in your face, or fearful of what this shows future will be.  She has taken it on a road that twists and turns and consequently ties your stomach in knots.  But how much drama can one person take?  I know for me and my own reality, I apparently tapped out at season 8, but I don't know that I have quite thrown in the towel.  Thank you Shonda, I hope that you tell the world why you chose to let him die at the hands of unprofessional professionals and truly shine a light on the truth about our countries "medical care."  If not, you have at least opened the door for people like me to write a real truth, in a wordy post, on an emotional parents blog.  

Monday, April 6, 2015

Peta, "Friends of Woodland Park Zoos Elephants," and Seattle-ights in this category....what is wrong with you?

Warning-long post....about OKC Zoo and elephants :-)

Is anyone else flabbergasted with Seattle and the people who are angry with the Woodland Park Zoo  right now and their anger that the elephants that they could not take care of are coming to the OKC Zoo?  The main activist in this is part of the group called "Friends of the Woodland Park Zoo Elephants"  Edited:  Here is a Facebook page of the group that I have now posted on, wondering if they have ever been to the OKC Zoo that they claim is so bad.  They have yet to respond but were quick to point out their fact list of why OKC Zoo is so bad, which I already addressed said facts in this post.  I suppose they only want to read articles and subsequently share them on their Facebook page, that are totally against all zoos all together.  So tell me, if GOOD zoo's are not allowed to exist because of the bad ones, where are all of the animals going to go now they they have been born and raised in captivity and have no knowledge of how to live in their natural environment...not to mention many Zoo animals do not have natural habitats anymore.  I also wonder if any of them supported the "Crocodile Hunter" aka Steve Irwin.  Do they know that the Irwin family owns a huge conservation Zoo in Australia that is doing marvelous things for conservation (like the OKC Zoo)?  Is that Zoo an "OK" zoo because it is owned by a famous family?  Or do they stick to their all zoo's are bad?  They are hell bent on keeping "their" elephants from coming to OKC, because they "care so much."  I wonder where those friends were when the previous two elephants died...(I will get to that in a minute).  Even Peta piped in (in a shocking-particularly uneducated way!).  They would rather the elephants go to a sanctuary that has one very large roaming area.  That area does not have a barn/enclosure.  The heard that is already in that sanctuary there has tuberculosis. And that sanctuary cannot afford to build one!  But to Peta and many people of Seattle this is what is best for elephants that they have not cared about before....keep reading and you will understand why I say that.

If the elephants from Seattle would go to the California sanctuary, that is full of TB and doesn't have a Barn or second "field."  They would have to be quarantined but they have no where to do that.  On top of that they said the second best place would be the sanctuary in TN that is not even sure of it's own future!  So all of these people are raising arms and even having their children "pray for the poor elephants" that are going to one of the most state of the art Elephant facilities in the country, OKC ZOO and Botanical Gardens.

These people that care so much did not care about the atrocities that occurred while these elephants were in the Zoo in Seattle.  You see, originally they were a herd of 4.  But they euthanized an older (but younger than OKC's oldest elephant) because it could not stand up one day.  After much searching I can find no information stating that there was no fight for it or alternative options evaluated with zoologists or elephant veterinary specialists.  THEN, as if that wasn't enough, their 6 year old elephants died from an UNKNOWN fatal case of herpes.  They found out how she died after the fact.  In the Oklahoma City Zoo and Botanical Garden​ (the supposed worst possible place for these precious girls) the elephant staff do preventative care and regular check ups of the heard of 5 (a new baby was born a few months ago!!!).  NOT ONCE have any of the elephants been sick in their care (at least since they have created the new elephant enclosures).  The arguments are that the elephants cannot roam and do not have as much space per elephant as they do in Seattle.  Well when you calculate space based off of half of your herd of course it will be more space.  I will mention what their enclosure looks like in a moment.  When it comes to space...These elephants have always been zoo animals and elephants are very social and emotional animals.  They are healthiest when kept in the lifestyle that the are use to.  And they are endangered animals and need conservation and proper MEDICAL CARE!

One of the factors that is so important for these two elephants is one is younger and one is older.  They are bonded and elephant bonds are so intense that elephants that have outlived their love have been known to literally not move, or eat, and sink into a depression and then starve themselves to death because they are in such mourning!  One of the biggest arguments from the Seattle and Peta people that hate the OKC decision enough to take it to court (court over turned their arguments and said that OKC is great for them) is that OKC zoo has an elephant show where the elephants "perform."  I don't know about any of you but I have seen the elephants "perform" on their playground (part of their grounds where they roam) without a single trainer/handler in or around their pen.  I have also had the show go on without the elephant because the elephant wasn't in the mood!  The show is an educational display to teach the conservation that OKC ZOO is doing!  As well as to teach children and adults alike about the amazing Asian Elephant!!

Another one of the naysayers arguments from Seattle is that it is bad for the elephants to be so close to the amphitheater because the loud music and occasional pyrotechnics are bad for them.  I do not know if the elephants are bothered by the music/shows that happen on weekends in the summer (and not every weekend but that doesn't really matter).  I have been at the zoo during a show and have never seen the elephants display any sort of agitation frustration or stress signs.  In fact, my daughter is very sensitive to crowds and loud noises (any reader of my blog knows this but if you are new she has rare seizure disorders that cause her to seize anywhere between an handful and hundreds of times a day).  And none of us have ever been bothered by the amphitheater.  It was never so loud that we couldn't hold conversations or even walk ahead of each other and call back to each other while walking around the zoo with our five children.  BUT because of the amphitheater they would rather send them to a TB infected field that could not afford to build a barn/enclosure/shelter...smh

Another argument is that OKC temps are too different from Seattle, both colder and hotter days.  That is why they have an enclosure with climate control.  Do they think that weather does not happen in California or Tennessee?  Tennessee gets a lot more snow than we do.  I feel like this is an extension of their tantrum when OKC bought their failing NBA team and then treated the team better than they had been treated in Seattle, which will happen for their two elephants headed this way!  I am so glad that the medical team in Oklahoma will get their hands and eyes on these elephants to make sure that they are healthy and continue to be so.  I am also happy that the younger elephant has a chance of bonding with one of four other female elephants, Asha, Chandra, Malee (the first baby who is about 4/5 years old I cannot remember off hand), and Achara (the new baby).  OKC has set the bar for elephant care - super high and it really ticks me off that people would be so blinded that they would rather put the elephants in harms way just because they think it is more important to have a free-for-all field to roam in than a "zoo."  I am sure that if the OKC zoo could make larger pens (their pens have a play area, a waterfall, GREEN GRASS (the Seattle elephants enclosure from the pictures that Seattle shared-is all dirt), and friends!  They also have a barn with stalls and open areas to walk and be treated.

OKC zoo also does not keep secrets about their animals.  Visitors can view inside the barn, the birth of Achara was filmed.  I will admit that watching the mama elephant give birth with cuffs on her feet was very upsetting to me, but that is because I also prefer for animals to be in natural habitats.  However, in conservation and saving endangered species different measure have to be taken and the OKC zoo had no problem explaining why she was delivering the way that she was.  They do not shy away from the care that they give because they have nothing to hide and nothing to be ashamed of.  Moreover, if you read anything at all educational about Asian Elephants in captivity and especially Asian elephants breeding in captivity you will note that it is very often the case (around 50% chance) that the elephant calf will die within the first month.  This is due to improper care AND improper environment, aka enclosures.  Yet the OKC zoo has welcomed TWO healthy baby girls into the herd with absolutely no illness occurring before or after their conception.  Finally, the OKC zoo does not plan on separating mama from baby.  This is a very bad thing to do to Asian elephants as herd bonds are permanent in their social structure.  In fact, there is one case of a wild Asian elephant witnessing her baby being killed by farmers "due to an accident."  *Warning this is graphic as is the link to an animal planet explanation*  She declined so rapidly in mental state and blamed humans to the point of being the only elephant on record to consume humans!

OKC's elephants have never shown any signs of being unhappy or agitated and the care given to them is obvious when you visit the zoo.  When the elephants need rest and a break from humans watching them they get it, and you can even check in via their elephant cam (I am not finding the link but have watched before-it could be a seasonal thing not sure).... Keep up the good work OKC Zoofriends​ Okc Zoo​

Sunday, April 5, 2015

He is Risen! The knowing of eternity...when dealing with Loss and what God taught us through the death of His Son!

I have been wanting to post over the past week or so, to show you some really sweet flower clips that Avagrace was given to wear on her helmet, or to share some of the other "happy's" that have happened over the past week or so.  You know that little things that mean so much.  But to be honest we have been going at a full sprint and haven't had the chance.  I try to post in Instagram when I am unable to write, edit and post what I have captured, or even update Facebook.  But with our house MANY MONTHS DELAYED and the major problems associated with that, I have spent most days on the phone (which I detest) talking to our insurance company and hoping that they will continue on this new kick of integrity or trying to keep our builder honest and praying that there will be NO MORE delays!  We cannot take another one-literally, it is too expensive and it will ruin many things that we have in the works.

Easter from 6 years ago!  Oh my goodness, look how long Gracies hair was how how little the three littles are!  And Aidan's face, so Aidan!  I love this so much!

But that is not why I am writing this today.  Today I wanted to steal away for a few moments.  Moments to share what has been on my heart in the midst of all of these trials.  You see, I am keenly aware that over a year ago our child's doctor told us that she had one year to live.  I am also aware that she is not a text book case of any one medical condition.  In fact she has three main diagnoses that make her anything but predictable.  Even still I know something that some people do not.  I know that God is our creator and that only He knows the number of breaths each of us, including my oldest daughter, will take.  I know that He is the Master Physician and that HE has divine authority and ability to use all things for the GOOD OF THOSE WHO LOVE HIM!  We have free will.  We are not robots nor slaves.  We are adopted children of the King of Kings and we are open for His intervention that could come or not come, at any moment.

We have SO MUCH to REJOICE about (hear the JOY in that word?)  Today of all days, on Easter Sunday we are reminded that HE HAS RISEN and that because HE paid the price of our sins, we no longer judged by our works to gain entry into HIS EVERLASTING KINGDOM.  We are BOUGHT AT A PRICE.  We have been given a membership pass to STREETS OF GOLD!!  We have A ROOM IN HIS HOUSE prepared for us BY JESUS!!!  He has OVERCOME DEATH and owns it! 

And here is my HOPE and MY FAITH....What I KNOW to be true and what I pray over my friends who no longer have their *child* in their arms because their child has gone on to be with our Creator.  Because of God sacrificing His One and ONLY BEGOTTEN SON, they/we will be in heaven with our children in our arms again!  And oh what a reunion that will be!!  If only you BELIEVE and ask Jesus to be your Lord of Lords, YOUR Savior, to take up residence in your heart and to guide you through this life!  A simple question, a life changing decision that will call you to Higher Ground.  Although His YOKE is easy and His burden light, that does not mean that there will not be temptation and things to trip you up causing you to stubble and fall away.  That doesn't mean that you will be perfect or sinless.  That doesn't mean that you will not make horrible decisions at times.  You may even break the law or fail to show love (the first and MOST IMPORTANT COMMANDMENT).  The important thing is that you keep picking yourself back up by His outstretched hand.  That you continue to redirect your life and continue to ask that He will help you and guide you.  Just like taking your thoughts and emotions under your self-control to find the JOY, you must use your self-control to follow Him and HIS WORD!  

Being keenly aware that in each moment it is vital to grab ahold of my emotions and my thoughts so that I can choose Joy and choose freedom from the weight of the world.  I want these moments to count.  I want my days and hours with my children to be permanently etched into my brain.  I want to know that I have done my best and made the best of it.  I want to know that I fought for them and rejoiced with them.  I want to make a difference and I want to live in the hear and now.  I want them to know that I am present, in this time, in the now, with them, experiencing life together! This does not mean that I am perfect or even good at doing this.  It is work.  It is a constant redirection and reminder.  Some days it is easy and some days it is very very hard.  Today, after a long night of seizures, followed by my own anxiety attacks from lack of sleep and being a caregiver that witnesses so many seizures in my own precious child each day.....the struggle is very very real.

Yet today of all days I should be rejoicing more.  I should be able to be in control more.  Referring to self-control.  Yet I am weary and when I am tired everything is harder!  I have heard that so many times in my life but never fully grasped it until the very beginning of this year.  You see I had a sleep study done because my husband told me that I was snoring and some of the other medical things that I was experiencing can sometimes be manifestations of sleep apnea and misdiagnosed as something more serious.  In my sleep study we found out that I was never making it past the second stage in sleep and that I was waking up due to lack of breathing 59.6 times an hour.  You read that correctly, I was waking up just about every single minute.  The doctor explained it to me as being tortured for years by my own body.  You may think that is extreme, if so feel free to read this article from Psychology today.  I am not sharing this as a "poor me."  I am sharing it because it was shocking to find out and AMAZING to learn.  The very first night of sleeping with a CPaP machine changed my life.  I am not joking or being dramatic.  I only was able to sleep for 3 hours and still had many "episodes" of not breathing.  However, I woke up and felt like I had the best night of sleep since became a mom almost 13 (oh my gosh that is a whole other blog-YIKES) year ago!  If you are struggling with sleep, please do not be hard on yourself.  Please try to rest even if it is not in the typical schedule or pattern that is recommended to keep.  Some sleep is so much better than no sleep.

*Up until this point I have been talking about parents that have lost their children.  This is something that I see around me regularly.  It is something that nobody wants to see and something that nobody wants to experience.  This is not to say that what I am writing is not applicable to my sweet friends who have lost their twins, their siblings, their moms, their dads, their husbands, their friends, the family or other loved ones.  I still find myself mourning the loss of Breya's twin (lost in the second trimester).  Identical to Breya, one of the cutest most determined kids ever.  Grief is Grief is Grief.  It is not something to judge.  It is relative to the person and the life in which is mourning.  Mourning and grief are not negative.  Grief is not something to be fixed.  Grief is something that one must endure to transform the pain.  From grief one goes from visualizing what was lost and never experienced (the sad) to visualizing what they have experienced during the life and from the pain (the blessing/joy).  Less than a year ago my Grandmother, my second parent, my love went to be in Heaven.  How I miss her.  How I wish that I had more time with her.  Yet the times that I had with her, the things that I learned from her are so much more valuable now.  I appreciate them so much more.  From Christ's death we mourn the suffering that WE put Him through and we have Visual Proof of what our poor decisions do to others.  We learn to visualize the consequences of our actions.  We better appreciate the weight that was spared from us so that we may live free from any sort of pain for eternity.  Without His pain the multitudes would not have been able to walk through the Gates of Pearl.

The kids and I with my Grandmother "Nanny" Virginia less than a year before she passed.

Without the loss of many of the lives that I have seen end in this world, handfuls to thousands of people would not have learned, loved, or been saved by organ donation, organizations that were started to provide life saving medicine or medical devices for people who could not otherwise get them.  Support groups for parents in the thick of caring for a medically fragile child would not have begun.  Awareness and education would not have happened.  Research on safe sleeping positions for infants would not have saved the lives of other babies who might otherwise be lost to things like SIDS.  From death comes new life.  Christ modeled this and His creation copies this in various ways.

**A different sort of child loss...I have lost children in utero, as I mentioned above in regards to Breya's twin, at varying times of their development.  It is not something that I like to talk about or think about.  But if you have lost a child just as soon as you found you were pregnant or you have delivered a stillborn baby.  I firmly believe that in your womb as God was forming your child, He already knew your child and how long your child would live.  Life begins at conception and just because the child was not ready to take a breath on their own that does not make them less of a child.  That does not mean that God started a "project" but "didn't finish."  God created a baby and just like any of His children He gave it to you for a time and called the child back to Him in its own proper timing.  Mourning for the loss of this child will still occur as you did not loose a "lump of cells" you lost a child that you will meet in heaven!